Dear Ask Aaron,
I just got out of a long term relationship and I’m ready to start living my life again and start meeting new people. My biggest problem is that I’ve always been shy. I’ve always had men approach me so being shy wasn’t too big of a deal in the past. Now that I’m a little older I want to be able to be to approach men that I’m interested in instead of me waiting to see if they’ll come to me. How do I get over being shy, and become a little more aggressive?
You’ve come to the right guy! I have a lot of experience with being shy since I’ve been shy just about all my life.
The only way that I know of getting past being shy is to just step up and open your mouth. Shyness is simply a lack of confidence in yourself. In order to be confident with anything you have to improve your skills and level of comfort. The only way to improve your skills and level of comfort is by doing whatever it is you lack confidence in.
For me, when it comes to making my feelings of interest known to women I still have moments of being shy but I’ve learned to ignore all the feelings that are screaming at me to run away. Part of what helps me over-come those fears is thinking about what I stand to gain by taking the chance, and what I stand to lose if I don’t say anything. I’ve learned to accept rejection and move on without needing a box of tissues and being bitter. Rejection is a necessary part of the “meeting new people” process. Everyone is entitled to their preferences of who they want to get to know, so if you don’t fit their bill then it’s only right that they turn you away. Better they reject you from the very beginning then to string you along and waste your time knowing all along that you didn’t have shot…at least that’s how I feel about it. The other thought that I keep in my head is that there are several billion people on this planet so if you don’t want me then there are at least several hundred million females on this planet that will want me.
The good news for you Shygirl83 is that you as a woman do not have to be as straight forward as men are expected to be when it comes to breaking the ice. You can start your training as being a “unshy” as learning the subtle nuances of letting a guy know that he has the green light to approach. I personally have looked for eye-contact that last for more then .5 seconds and a smile before I spring into action. Hopefully some ladies reading this will chime in on what they personally do to let a guy know he has permission to give it his best shot.
The first step to solving any problem is admitting that you have a problem so Shygirl83 you’re on the right track. The second step for you to take is to just get out there and start working outside of your comfort zone and live by my personal mantra “See something, want that something, go get that something!” I don’t think that it ever gets easy trying to make a connection with someone who you’re attracted too; but, we can definitely work to be confident enough to make things easier. Remember, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking a chance and speaking up instead of sitting back and praying that the guy you like will approach you. If he is anything like how I was just a few years back then sitting back and waiting for him to make a move isn’t going to work because he’s not going to come to you! lol
I can tell you that the only regrets I have in life is all those times I didn’t try to make a move. Always play to win over instead of not play to avoid losing.
I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck!